A Mother Writes…

Dear Pastor Phil,

I thank the Lord for His blessings on you through the ministry of His Way Out. You are a beacon in the spiritual storm called homosexuality. Although time and family constraints don’t allow me to participate more actively, the ministry has brought comfort, strength, and even some peace.

I know that your ministry involves equipping Pastors with tools to address the warfare of homosexuality, and it is for this reason that I share my testimony. I am hopeful that this may help prevent the same experience from happening to other Christian families.

Please use this testimony any way you see possible, and thank you for the opportunity of healing by sharing with you.

It was evident by the age of fourteen months that my son was not to be molded by gendered toys or play. With frequent redirection away from dresses, barrettes, jewelry and make up, to trucks, army men, blue jeans and fishing, my son learned that he should hide his propensity toward girl-things. I envisioned him becoming homosexual when he persisted in his desire for girl-things and could normally be found playing in a closet.

As he grew up, we readily sought counseling from our clergy and from professional secular counselors. We participated both as a family and our son continued individually, as well. He grew strong in faith, spoke prophetically, and exhibited understanding of deeper scriptural issues from an early age. He participated in church leadership and lead worship on a regular basis in his early teen years.

Although it was not a surprise, however, when he “came out of the closet” at the age of 151/2, the effects were devastating. My early vision seemed to haunt me rather than to prepare me. Visions of my child being sexually involved with another man invaded my mind. I grieved all night, falling to the floor and physically pummeling myself with my own fists. Satan rejoiced at his victory.

The next morning I called our youth pastor in desperate desire for help. He had already been fully aware of our son’s plight, and I shared candidly with this pastor about my grief over my son’s final decision.

I told the youth pastor that my heart was so grieved that I found myself thinking I would rather have lost my son in childhood, knowing he would spend an eternity with Christ, than to hear him denounce his faith after having passed the age of accountability. I was truly grieved at knowing the reality of eternal death and shared this grief openly. I begged for intercession from the pastoral staff and was assured we would be “girded up” and that an active role would be taken for our son.

That was the last time we heard from the clergy at our church. I conducted an in-depth Bible study with our son, only to reach the understanding of my son’s own words, “I don’t believe in the Bible anymore.” At the same time, we attended our church every Sunday only to leave without a word, touch or acknowledgment from any of our pastors of from those we once though of as our brothers and sisters.

It became evident after many lonely weeks, that we didn’t belong at the church we had attended for more than six years. We became very bitter at the realization that our pastors were made only of flesh, and to this day have difficulty with forgiveness. Our son is now 20 and this was 41/2 years ago.

We now attend a church, which hosts several Christian families with homosexual children. We fortunately hold no reserve against Christ, and are renewed daily by the inclusion of those people who know our pain. I have been able to arrive at the fact that God holds Pastors and Teachers irrefutable responsible for those in their care, and not grieve for those who backed away when we begged for their help.

The war rages on against evil and principalities of darkness. If the clergy are not equipped with the armor, who then will pay the cost of the war?

The Mother of a homosexual man…B.T.

“…I don’t have to be perfect, but I don’t have to be homosexual either.”

Everything around me seems to be the same. But inside all has changed.

I was born and raised in a home where God was nonexistent. All I ever knew was alcoholism and its consequences. At a very early age I realized that something was wrong. I preferred to play with dolls instead of little cars like other boys. I preferred the comfort of playing house with the girls rather than the aggression of rude games boys used to play. This caused different reactions among my family. My brother used to call me names. He often referred to me as “sissy”. There were big fights between my mother and I. She always spanked me and pulled my ears telling me not to play with girls anymore. The only time she told me about God was when she said that He did not approve of my behavior. She said that everyone in my family was embarrassed because of me.

At school, everything was worse. Everybody used to make fun of me, even the teachers. There were times when classmates hit me, but I never defended myself. How I hated myself for being such a coward! I finally gave up. I was forbidden to talk to any girl by my mother, and so I did not. But I couldn’t identify with boys, so I got into books. Nothing changed.

While I was in Junior High, my confusion was total, because I discovered my attraction toward both sexes. But something else happened. My father sent me with one of his friends to learn about photography. Before that, my father’s friend always respected me and showed his friendship in a very kind way. But once we were by ourselves he started showing me pornographic magazines and eventually I was sexually abused. I couldn’t say anything to anyone because all that had happened made me feel guilty. After that incident, I decided to get sexually involved with a friend of mine. This went on for approximately 6 years. All of this was totally self-destructive. I had to live through lies and by fooling myself and others. I was living a double life. I definitely lost my dignity and all respect for myself. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was unable to stop it. I just wanted to die. From then on, I started looking for answers.

After a year and a half of complete abstinence, I was diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease. I cried for more than a week. And once more there was no one to talk to. This was very painful for me, but it surely was enough to make me look for help.

My infection healed sooner than I expected. But my illness was much deeper. It was under these circumstances that a lady at the Health Department suggested I contact His Way Out Ministries.

It was on August 4th, 1997, that I met the staff of His Way Out Ministries. Even though I was willing to go to a psychiatrist, I was kind of disappointed for having been sent to a ministry. Once before I had tried to get help out of religion. It did not work. But this time it was different. There is something I have learned since the first time I talked to His Way Out Ministries. Now, there was no religion, but relationship – a relationship with God and one, more open and transparent, deeper and more human. I liked that idea, so I decided to accept Jesus into my heart as my Savior.

This is how my path to recovery got started.

After this I received great gifts. God’s unconditional love, His forgiveness, and the knowledge that He loved me as I was, right then and there. I wasn’t asked to make any change in order to come to Him. I just had to accept Him. All of this tore down the lie that He did not love me because I was homosexual. Through my new relationship with God and the knowledge of His Word, I understood why sexual sins seem to be worse than any other. Sexual sin, not only involves my body, which is God’s temple, but also my spirit. My broken relationship with God drove me to isolate from others, hide my feelings, and disguise my behavior.

Talking to others who have been through the same situation, and getting love and support from all of them, has given me the realization that my homosexuality had nothing to do with sex. Instead, it had been the way in which I was trying to satisfy a need – the need of intimacy with God. In the same way that somebody else abused alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, etc. I did it with sex. But there was never enough. Deep in my heart there was always an emptiness that only God has finally filled.

I have broken strong habits like masturbation and pornography, even though these did not play a big roll in my life. I haven’t had any further homosexual encounters. But this is just the beginning, for I am learning to be the man God expects and created me to be.

Today, I know that in my relationship with God I don’t have to be perfect, but I don’t have to be homosexual either. Thanks to Jesus Christ!

J.F.

“I would be able to withstand temptation for brief periods, but I would always go back to my old lifestyle. My sin provided me with fleeting pleasure and I used it in times of trouble and stress in my life. I had not yet learned to trust God to take care of my needs.”

Thank you for allowing me to share my testimony that God was, and still is, in the restoration & deliverance business; that where the light of Jesus shines there is no more darkness.

“Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor slanderers, nor swindlers, will inherit the Kingdom of God. And this is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” 1 Corinthians 6:9-11

My name is Jim and I am 40 years old. I have been a Christian for ten years. I have struggled with sexual addiction since my adolescence. This struggle took many forms including addiction to pornography, on the Internet and in other formats, telephone sex, etc. I was active in both heterosexual and homosexual worlds.

In May 1989, the Holy Spirit brought me to the knowledge that I was a sinner and the only way to salvation was confessing Jesus Christ as Lord of my life. After my salvation I was convicted by the Holy Spirit that my lifestyle was contrary to God’s will for my life. I attempted to change my life and rid myself of my addiction. I tried to defeat this sin through the strength of my own will power with no help from others.

I would be able to withstand temptation for brief periods, but I would always go back to my old lifestyle. My sin provided me with fleeting pleasure and I used it in times of trouble and stress in my life. I had not yet learned to trust God to take care of my needs.

I attempted to become a better Christian by reading the Bible more and increasing my head knowledge of who I was supposed to be. I knew that I was supposed to live a good life and that God had promised me that “…no temptation has seized you except what is common to man and God is faithful and will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 20

Even with that knowledge I continued to sin. I could never see the way out and I was sure that the temptation was beyond my ability to withstand it. Due to my continued failures to be as God wanted me to be Satan was able to tempt me to believe that God did not love me and that my salvation was not real.

I needed help, but was embarrassed to seek help. I did not want to seek secular counseling because I suspected that I would be told that there was nothing wrong with me. But I knew there was. I attempted to seek counseling through the church but in so many churches sexual sin is still the secret and hidden sin. It is easier for those addicted to alcohol and/or drugs to stand up, admit their sin and be welcomed than it is for the sexually broken. There is a great deal of shame associated with sexual sin and the perception that it is a worse sin than others. Most of the counseling, that I was able to find, focused on my self-esteem, relaxation techniques, or how to “white knuckle” my way through the temptation. I wanted the magic answers, which everyone else knew, that would enable me to never be tempted again or to resist the temptation – but nothing worked. It was depressing to realize that not only could the church not help but also that they could not even refer me to someone that could. At that time, I could not find a ministry that focused on sexual brokenness.

In May of 1996, I was pretty much at the end of my rope. I was sure that I would never be able to escape the bondage of this sin. I was full of despair and feelings of hopelessness. If I wasn’t “cured soon” I was going to give up the struggle.

Through the Internet, oddly enough, I was able to obtain some phone numbers and subsequently make contact with Pastor Phil and His Way Out Ministries. The Lord gave me hope; this was a ministry that was directed specifically towards the sexually broken. I started meeting with Pastor Phil on a weekly basis. We started and ended every meeting with prayer, praising the Lord and requesting His presence in our midst.

Over time, Pastor Phil taught me not to focus on my sin, as I had been doing, but to put my focus on God. This seems so obvious to me now but I had not taken my eyes off my sin and my past while I was trying to change. It’s like the old thing, “Don’t think of a purple elephant.”

My need was not for more of myself and personal strength, my need was to submit myself fully to my Lord Jesus Christ and let His strength and His victory be my strength and my victory. I had always tried to motivate myself through fear of God rather than be motivated by the love of God. I had a difficult time relating to God the Father. Over time, I learned that my true nature is not that of a failed sinner, but of a loved child of the Most High God. The Holy Spirit moved this simple revelation from my head to my heart. My understanding of my relationship to God, the Father, bettered my fellowship with God.

Pastor Phil’s and His Way Out Ministries perspective was not “why” I was acting out sexually, though this is important, but regardless of the reason, I can change because nothing is impossible with the power and the love of God. “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory.” Ephesians 3:20

I understand that by myself, I cannot change, but with Jesus in my life and in my heart, I am free from the control of sin and the enemy.

Because of my submission and reliance on God, I am changed and am being changed. I keep my focus on the Lord and trust in his love. I no longer believe the lies of the enemy. My faith has increased and I understand that Jesus Christ can meet all my needs both known and unknown.

I have a wife and six children. I thank the Lord that this cycle of sin is broken with this generation. While it was and still can be difficult I am often reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Because God put this ministry into Pastor Phil’s and in other churches hearts my wife my children and I have hope and a future. Praise be to God!

Jim McArthur