Testimony By Kenny Rummell
I can tell you with the utmost certainty that the reason “why” I struggle with same-sex attraction is not the question to ask. The question to ask is how can I and how do I deny my sinful nature? After years of painful searching, blaming parents, school mates and myself – searching other religions, drowning in years of drug abuse and finally giving into the West Hollywood gay lifestyle, there was only one way out. A real, personal and on-going relationship with Jesus Christ.
I am the oldest of three, the only son and blessed with a twin sister. I was very close to my mother and I have always been a very emotional and sensitive person. I felt much safer with women having been surrounded by them at home. I was never emotionally or physically close with my father so naturally any interaction with men brought fear and anxiety. I’m still learning how to interact with guys. I was made fun of for being ore drawn to “girl things” all throughout school. Soon the teasing became unbearable and I began to believe what people called me – queer, far, and homo.
I began to explore meeting men around the age of fourteen. As I began meeting older men (18-25) secretly, I, for the first time to began to feel like a “man.” It was the missing male physical contact I needed. This is all came at a very high cost. Having been raised in various churches, these new feelings presented a deep and painful shame and self-hatred. I wrestled with what I felt and what I knew was against the Word of God.
I vowed to hide these feelings from people and live a double life. “Fake it till you make it, right?” You can only hide from sin for so long. It was around the age of seventeen years old I began to hate myself. My deep internal struggle manifested into a suicide attempt and then I just gave up. I gave up on myself and God. I remember shouting to God – “Get out of my life!” It was soon after that I began to use drugs and quickly became a full-time drug addict. Ultimately, I found crystal meth (meth). Meth made me forget the pain and made me the person I thought I wanted to be. I soon met a meth dealer with ties to West Hollywood and I began to hangout with him and he introduced me to a new life.
I began to work in the movie industry which eventually led me to move to Hollywood. West Hollywood presented a life that I never thought possible. Hollywood preached freedom, love, and acceptance, and they lived it. I had the freedom to be who I wanted to be, people loved me, and they accepted me no matter what. However, I soon found out that was a lie.
After years of digging deeper into the gay lifestyle, I soon became fully immersed in the drug and club scene. I began going to bath houses, sex clubs, and meeting men on-line. The further I lost myself in this lifestyle the more drugs I used. Thankfully, although I had walked away from God, He never left me. Also, even though I deliberately kept my parents and family at a distance, they never stopped praying for me.
I began to search out churches that might be able to help with my same-sex attraction. Unfortunately, whether a small church or a mega-church, they had little to say or offer. What I was often told was “If you are saved, you are a new creature in Christ and you should be different.” Well, I was different or changed and soon after hearing that over and over, I let go of God again. I lived like this for thirteen years. However, because of God’s grace and mercy, my heart never became fully hardened as I soon reached my rock bottom.
During those years, I managed to walk away from a career in the movie industry, spend thousands of dollars on nothing, went to two rehabilitation centers and eventually left Hollywood and moved to Orange County, CA. In a rented room with a needle in my arm, I found myself on the edge of a cliff and engulfed by such a darkness it was suffocating. I now know what the absence of God is.
I prayed to Jesus that day and told Him I was done. I surrendered and told Him I wanted to live and live for Him alone. I asked Him to fully invade my heart and rescue me. I would love to tell you that there was an immediate surge of electricity throughout my body or there was a mighty gush of the Holy Spirit upon me, but that is not how God worked with me. That said, there was an undeniable peace in my heart.
The events that followed are nothing short of miracles especially after all the bridges I had burned. I called my parents who helped me get into a Christian drug program in Vista, CA and after about four months of being sober, I began to become truly convicted of my same-sex attraction. My mom, a seasoned prayer warrior, had been in prayer all these years and hunting down any and all ministries for those who struggle with same-sex attraction. She began sending me articles and newsletters from Pastor Lee and His Way Out Ministries with the content just making sense. Finally, I wasn’t alone and I began to see and understand my true struggle wasn’t my drug abuse.
I began to see that like Paul, I had a thorn in the flesh. “To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest upon me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).
I have learned that God is not a genie in a bottle. I am not saved for Him just to grant me wishes. I am saved through the shed blood of His Son on Calvary. Yes, I am still working through issues with same-sex attraction. Sometimes I can go months without even being tempted and then there are times it just comes seemingly from nowhere.
I found a pastor at a local church in Santa Clarita, CA, where I now live, that was willing to listen and help. He admitted he had never dealt with someone struggling with same-sex attraction. However, he did something no other pastor had done before. He listened. I began going to bible studies where I learned that my issue is really the same as it is for all of us – our sin nature.
One day I read 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 – “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the Kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
This was proof that we all struggle with sin and there is a way out! For the past eight years I have been rebuilding my life and learning how to have a relationship with God. It hasn’t been without its trials or its joys. Ultimately, you do not have to surrender to a lie. You have to surrender to God.