“…I don’t have to be perfect, but I don’t have to be homosexual either.”
Everything around me seems to be the same. But inside all has changed.
I was born and raised in a home where God was nonexistent. All I ever knew was alcoholism and its consequences. At a very early age I realized that something was wrong. I preferred to play with dolls instead of little cars like other boys. I preferred the comfort of playing house with the girls rather than the aggression of rude games boys used to play. This caused different reactions among my family. My brother used to call me names. He often referred to me as “sissy”. There were big fights between my mother and I. She always spanked me and pulled my ears telling me not to play with girls anymore. The only time she told me about God was when she said that He did not approve of my behavior. She said that everyone in my family was embarrassed because of me.
At school, everything was worse. Everybody used to make fun of me, even the teachers. There were times when classmates hit me, but I never defended myself. How I hated myself for being such a coward! I finally gave up. I was forbidden to talk to any girl by my mother, and so I did not. But I couldn’t identify with boys, so I got into books. Nothing changed.
While I was in Junior High, my confusion was total, because I discovered my attraction toward both sexes. But something else happened. My father sent me with one of his friends to learn about photography. Before that, my father’s friend always respected me and showed his friendship in a very kind way. But once we were by ourselves he started showing me pornographic magazines and eventually I was sexually abused. I couldn’t say anything to anyone because all that had happened made me feel guilty. After that incident, I decided to get sexually involved with a friend of mine. This went on for approximately 6 years. All of this was totally self-destructive. I had to live through lies and by fooling myself and others. I was living a double life. I definitely lost my dignity and all respect for myself. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was unable to stop it. I just wanted to die. From then on, I started looking for answers.
After a year and a half of complete abstinence, I was diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease. I cried for more than a week. And once more there was no one to talk to. This was very painful for me, but it surely was enough to make me look for help.
My infection healed sooner than I expected. But my illness was much deeper. It was under these circumstances that a lady at the Health Department suggested I contact His Way Out Ministries.
It was on August 4th, 1997, that I met the staff of His Way Out Ministries. Even though I was willing to go to a psychiatrist, I was kind of disappointed for having been sent to a ministry. Once before I had tried to get help out of religion. It did not work. But this time it was different. There is something I have learned since the first time I talked to His Way Out Ministries. Now, there was no religion, but relationship – a relationship with God and one, more open and transparent, deeper and more human. I liked that idea, so I decided to accept Jesus into my heart as my Savior.
This is how my path to recovery got started.
After this I received great gifts. God’s unconditional love, His forgiveness, and the knowledge that He loved me as I was, right then and there. I wasn’t asked to make any change in order to come to Him. I just had to accept Him. All of this tore down the lie that He did not love me because I was homosexual. Through my new relationship with God and the knowledge of His Word, I understood why sexual sins seem to be worse than any other. Sexual sin, not only involves my body, which is God’s temple, but also my spirit. My broken relationship with God drove me to isolate from others, hide my feelings, and disguise my behavior.
Talking to others who have been through the same situation, and getting love and support from all of them, has given me the realization that my homosexuality had nothing to do with sex. Instead, it had been the way in which I was trying to satisfy a need – the need of intimacy with God. In the same way that somebody else abused alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, etc. I did it with sex. But there was never enough. Deep in my heart there was always an emptiness that only God has finally filled.
I have broken strong habits like masturbation and pornography, even though these did not play a big roll in my life. I haven’t had any further homosexual encounters. But this is just the beginning, for I am learning to be the man God expects and created me to be.
Today, I know that in my relationship with God I don’t have to be perfect, but I don’t have to be homosexual either. Thanks to Jesus Christ!